There's just a shadow of a memory

Happy Over Birthday or Happy Birthday Over~~

2009-11-16T21:22:00.002+08:00

The disappointment that is more then the excitement..
It is not the present that counts..
It is the person's present that really counts..
Which many had already disappoint me.

I'm glad that my same usual people turns up..
Really happy that you all was here..

If anyone who really understand me..
Will knows..
Am i really happy about the celebration..?

And now it makes things clearer..
That is, who is the person i can go to..
And who are those that i won't goes to..

Even the most beloved had turn down my 21st birthday celebration..
If you had send message to me..
Telling me you will made it up..
Or saying you will have a belated celebration with me..
Just save the the fuck up..
Cos it never will comes..
Even it will..
Just fcuking save it till on the day of my funeral..
Get that in mind beloved, you will be hated the most..
I don't need your promises..
Just keep it for yourself..

I don't know why i really felt uncomfortable & irritated on that day..
If you people had notice..

The time only started when everyone is gathering around..
Singing the birthday songs..
Seeing everyone's smiling faces..
And when cutting the cake..
Till then i know it is my birthday..

My only birthday wish was:
Wishes my usual friend to find their love & love ones..
I'm more then willing to pay off for staying single-hood life forever..

That is the only part, i remember the most..
Nothing else i could really remember..

Clubbing was never fun for me..
It is the friends meeting me there that bright up my smile..

Going club with a group of my usual friends & friend..
Gave me a thought..
As will it only happened only during my birthday..?
But i think, is just more then enough..

Making myself drunk is not what i wanted..
The one who suffer i know it will still be me..
No one would had seen me that drunk before..
And that will always be the first & last..

I didn't wanted to..
I just can't seem to enjoy myself..
I felt really irritated..
I don't felt myself..
So i just kept drinking..

But i still remember who had came to wish me happy birthday..
And who came as say will meet me in the club..
All this i remember..
I don't know have i tears in the club..

I tears typing each single words here..
I don't know why..
It is really saddening my heart..

I had made my promise on my 21st birthday..
I will leave or be away once after my birthday celebration..
I had made up my mind..
If you had seen me at somewhere..
Just let me go the way i wanted to..
Never to stop me, as i will never stop for you..

Will be using only one number..
Not everyone have it..
Even you do..
Never try calling or sms me..
You will never get what you wanted..
That's my promise..

If you really do treat me as friend..
If you respect me as friend..
Just let me go..

Some day, i will be back..
For how long, i'm not sure..
I can only say, when the time is right..

Here are the people i really wanted to thanks:

*My family

*My usual friend:
Jojo
Wellness
Briano
Kelvin L
Kiro F
Eugene Y
Eugenia
Adrian C
Xiao pei
Alvin bin
Jesline
Joanne & Xiao Xin
Weiwen
Ah zai & bf
Stanly

*Specially Thanks To:
Alvin Kino (My Boss)
Finance(My Bossy)

..LOVE ME & LET ME GO..

=Take care all my friends=
The time will come & will prove..

LOVES
Jonathan Ng
16-11-2009
10.45pm

HappY BirthdaY

2009-11-14T13:30:00.003+08:00

=..HappY 21st Birthday..=

The Birthday that is never in my mind..
So looking forward in my heart..
But seriously really am i..?

ShaDow Loves
14/11/2009

The Feeling Of Running Away..

2009-11-08T22:20:00.003+08:00

Nothing really comes to my:
Interest..
Concern..
Point of view..
Worry..
Burden..

Or whatever that come to my mind..

I really don't know what is wrong with me..
My mood is just going up or down anytime & anywhere..
A little things would make me so angry that can kills..

A little things include just seeing the faces i really hate..
My mood swing is so power that..
It can swing till i myself also don't know where it goes to..
Many little things could just irritant me..
Sometimes my imagination could run so wild..
Until i'm smiling to myself..

So far i have not caught myself talking to myself..
I know is not healthy, or others might hear you..
I know, at least when i talk to "me" there's always no one around..
Shall not say too much here..

But one thing for sure..
I'm not lying..
I have been hearing voices or noise..
Which is not calling me..
But it is attracting my attention..
Sometimes i din really bother about it..
But sometime it really scare the freak out of myself..

Sometimes i would just stare into the mirror..
Looking at myself..
For how long i'm not sure..
But whenever i see my mouth start to open & close..
I know, i should stop staring in the mirror..
I really don't know is he the one in the mirror i can talk to..
It really confuse me most of the time..

I got no one that i really want to go to..
Is not that there's nobody i can go to..
And i don't know why i got so concern..
When the fcuking things is none of my concern..

Am i falling into depression..
But
I really got to surrender..
I'm falling into loneliness..

But i just love my life now..
Nothing to commit..
Nothing to concern..
Nothing to give or gain..

Moreover i had made my promise to himself..
I'm so gonna stay single..
I won't let relationships attack me once again..

Anyway just one more week to my 21st birthday..
It din really get me excited..
It just kind of irritant me..
Shall not say so much..

To the world, just STFU-PLS
JONATHAN OR ShaDow
He shall decide..
08/11/2009

I Really Don't Know

2009-10-30T01:19:00.003+08:00

I Tears..
I really don't know what is happening..
All the while I'm not happy at all..
Why am i still showing a happy fuck face..

JUST FUCK OFF
I WILL FUCKING PROVE THAT YOU'RE WRONG

ShaDow FUCKIN HATES You
30/10/09

Why Do I Deserve That When I'm Just A ShaDow Of You..

2009-10-17T18:50:00.003+08:00

Can someone tell me why..

Can someone give me an answer..
Can someone explain to me why..

Why the FCUK do i deserve that message from you..
Is my honor..?
I don't give a damn out of it..
That message just kept going round & round in my mind..

What i did was just a shadow of them & you yourself..
Was i wrong..
Or i'm the only one that is at fault..
Others don't seem to have received that message..
So should i appreciate or just don't give a damn..
Nothing, seriously nothing paid off..

Trying to mend the path..
But i didn't know..
Didn't know by asking you out could let you feel so shitty..
It just knock me out seeing the message..
I'm sure, i have not done anything wrong..
Or did i..
Even if i did, does it mean you have to send those message..

You just shock me with disappointment..
As i say i won't bother you anymore..
Yes, i mean it..
Goodbye..

ShaDow
171009

It's very very true everyone wears a mask..?

2009-10-14T15:25:00.002+08:00

It been some time since i update..
Always wanted to, but when log in to blogger..
I just simply log out..

There is always good & bad i guess..
But i always got attacked by the bad..
My anger nowadays always turn me to be upset..
I got upset real fast..
What i could do was, go to my bed & sleep..

It doesn't make me feels any better..
Each day i got upset, i just went to sleep..
Each day i'm tired, i went to sleep too..

So everyday i'm just tired of been upset..

Work doesn't stress me anymore..
People are the one concerning..
But now it don't come to my concern anymore..
Sometime i really felt bad treating them in another way..
After talking to my manager, i got her point..
And she told me a lot too..
Yes, i think she is right..
What for getting so angry & upset for..
It doesn't paid off..
So just don't bother..
When the time comes, then they will get what they deserve..

But i still can't simply put a smile on my face..
Whenever i try, i just look fake..
So i would rather not..
Time would build up i hope..

I had really learn alot..
Just by observing..
Why people tend not to bother..
Why people could still smile when in the wrong..
There is still lots of why..

Simply for just one reason..
And that is why..

Shall stop here..

By the way, i had quit SMOKING~~!!
No JOKE~~!!
Will update again..

ShaDow
141009

I Don't Know What Got Wrong Into Me..

2009-09-22T23:36:00.002+08:00

Who could tell me what got wrong into me..?
Who could tell me where my tears come from..?
Who could tell me why are they falling..?

All this while you have been on my mind..
Even in my dream..
The last waterfall & drinks
Got me spinning away thinking of you..
I couldn't bring myself to sleep..
I couldn't accept the facts..

I smile looking at your pictures..
I miss your voice..
I tears after all my smile..

Could i tell you that i miss you..
Could i tell you i want to see you right now..

I remember, when i told you i miss you..
There was no more reply from you..
And is time to wake up for work..
And that's in my dream..
I cried so badly with the cigarette that stuff in my mouth..

It happened in my dream.
And what if i tell you in reality..
Would you reject me on the spot..

Am i wrong to fall for you..?
Am i wrong to have a crush on you..?
Is age gonna be a problem..?

After all is still gonna be a bad ending..
The tears just won't go away..

I just need someone to hold on to..
Am i asking too much..
I don't want to be just a friend...

Could someone tell me what to do..
The feeling is never a good one..

There's nothing more i wish to say..
Cos after all i had say i think is still gonna be impossible..

JNLK 230909

If Love Was Just Like A Game..

2009-08-23T23:33:00.003+08:00

If i was not the one who choose where to go..
Then, i think, i won't be ended up here..

如果你不爱一个人, 请放手.
好让别人有机会爱她.
如果你爱的人放弃了你, 请放开自己.
好让自己有机会爱别人.

有的东西你再喜欢也不会属于你的,
有的东西你再留恋也注定要放弃的.

人生中有许多种 .
但别让自己为一种伤害.
有些缘分是注定要失去的,
有些缘分是永远都不会有好结果的,
爱一个人不一定要拥有,
但拥有一个人就一定要好好的去爱她.

男人哭了是因为他真的爱了.
女人哭了是因为她真的放弃了.

如果真诚是一种伤害, 我选择谎言;
如果谎言一种伤害, 我选择沉默;
如果沉默是一种伤害, 我选择离开.

如果失去是苦，
你怕不怕付出..

如果迷乱是苦，
你会不会选择结束..

如果追求是苦，
你会不会选择执迷不悟..

如果分离是苦，
你要向谁倾诉..

好多事情都是后来才看清楚,
好多事情当时一点也不觉得苦.

AloNeLynEsS
ShaDow
AwaitInG

The Sadness That Is Coming, which is hidden in myself..

2009-08-16T23:19:00.002+08:00

After 7th days..
I'm still waiting..
But till now..
There's no news about you..
Nothing from you..
The silence cry in my heart..
Somehow really breaking me down..

I miss the piano you had play for me..
I miss lying on your bed seeing you playing the piano..
I miss your voice, especially your singing..
I miss sleeping beside you..
I miss your everything..

It really make me break into tears..
I want you to be back..
I don't want you to be changed just for me..
I want you who i had first known..
I never needed anything but just you..
You're just the one i needed..

I don't know..
Don't know how long more i can hold on to it..
I just want you to be back..
Maybe i was wrong..
I said, i would wait for you..
For months or years..
Can i take my words back..
All i needed is you..

I never needed you to be strong,
Because i will be there for you..
I needed you for pointing out my wrongs,
Because whatever you had said, i would listen..
I never needed pain, i never needed strain,
Because i know you will never let me feels the pain or strain..
My love for you was strong enough which you know..

There is no other way,
I can get in contact with you..
There's a lot for me to say..
Which i had not tell you..

The only thing i could do..
Is just to wait..
Waiting for you to be back..
My love for you will still be the same as we first met..

=AloNeLyNesS=
=ShaDow=
=17th Aug 2009=
=Waiting for you my beloved=
=An Jie=

Keep Holding On..

2009-08-10T22:42:00.002+08:00

Seeing everyone's blog stated 10th of Aug..
&
So is the time i should update my blog too..

Spent my national day eve with JJ Laopo & Briano..
Met Kimo and groups at bugis..
It somehow low down my mood..
Cos i know, i'm just been anti-social..
Wanted to join them for some steamboat..
But didn't feel so good..
So i call JJ laopo..
And he came down to meet me..
We had our dinner at soupspoon..
JJ Laopo order the same dish as we first had there..
And is really nice..
Mood was build up..

After which briano came..
And bla bla bla..
Nothing for good...
OR..
Good for nothing..

Took cab to CV to meet Wellness laopo..
As we going to Nicky's birthday chalet..
Was a last minute chalet..
But since we had nothing on, going there was fine too..
Sitting there, chit-chatting was our usual routine..
And and gossiping was our usual self..
Was hungry and wellness laopo as usual cook for us..
I love the chicken he had cook..
And i ate about 5, if i'm to wrong..
We slack there till 5 plus as JJ laopo was playing Majong..
So we just self entertain there..
Until when he finish his majong..
Then we decided to leave the chalet as JJ laopo is hungry..

And on national day i spent my whole day with JJ laopo..
We had our lunch together & leave home..
We went shopping..
We both spent quite a lot..
And we watched the fireworks together..
That was the first lovely & sweet national day i had with JJ laopo..

As for today..
Was the sleep as you want day..
Cos i slept almost the whole day..
And there's nothing for today...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The piano sound that caught my ears..
The music that got my attention..
The voice that melted my heart..

The sweet dreams that i had..

But no it is not..
When i open both my eyes..
The sound of the piano, the music and the voice was still there..
And it was you who is playing the piano..
The song from the piano was so good that it brought me to sleep again..
And the voice that really melted my heart woke me up..
Water was collecting in my eyes..
My heart started to ache..
And tears started to fall..

When i close my eyes, the voice was still there..
It really melts my heart seeing you playing the piano..
Not any guys that played the piano would let me have this feeling..

I would give you time to change..
I would wait for you to be changed..
I would do anything to just wait for you to be back..

I know that day will surely arrive..
I don't ask for much changes..
I just want you to be you that is who i like..
I don't care how long it take..
Month or years..
I will still be here waiting..
I know that you won't be able to contact me..
I'm fine with it..
I don't ask for more..
I just want you to be back soon safely..

Cos i misses your voice..
Misses your song..
And misses the one who is playing the piano next to your bed..
And you're the one who i miss..

..AloNelYnEsS..
..ShaDow..
..10th Aug 2009..
..Waiting For Your Return..
An Jie
..You're the one, i'm waiting for..

Alonelyness was just part of my full time job..

2009-08-03T21:57:00.003+08:00

It been really awhile..
Since i was lost in the internet world..
Dreaming was what i always did..
Hiding myself from everyone..
And..
Hiding my emotion from Mary & my dad..
Was a real difficult task..

Working for a month..
It didn't really bring me the enjoyment..
It brought me with stress and unhappiness..

Trying to be socialize..
I found myself being more & more anti-social towards everyone..
And towards myself..
To my own department colleague..
I can swear that every sentence..
Is not more then ten words..
Unless it is work matters..
And to other department..
Not a single words was even spoken to..

Sometime i don't really understand why people have to talk behind others back..
If they have the guts to talk behind others back..
Why not have alittle more guts to talk infront of that others..

I know that God had given a mouth for everyone..
To eat, to talk & suck cock..
Then why not just talk infront then..
Sometime i really felt like giving them a real tight slap..
But i believe that my hands is not worth slapping them..
Is more worth on jerking off..
I really do have the urge to tape their mouth with masking tape..
I know that's kinky, so i did not even try..

Had not been happy since the day i had work..
Been alone was just part of my full time job..
Everything had changed..
I do envy my life in the past..
Making friends was never bothering me in the past..
I do regret sometimes..
But i know that i was never wrong in this path..

At home was another task for me again..
I can't express my emotion..
No matter how unhappy or sad i am..
I will just say that, i'm fine..
I know Mary & dad do really care..
But i just don't want to upset them..
And now that i know how hard their times was to provide us for everything..
And because of that i promise myself not to break their heart..
And stay on to the job..
I do have the urge to leave the job..
And i know i can't..

I do break into tears at times..
But who knows about it..
Only myself..
Once again, i had keep every single thing to myself..
It is really hard, if anyone understand what i'm trying to say..

And the day, you came to me..
Telling me not to leave you..
You will always be by my side..
You asked me to promise you..
Promise you, not to keep everything to myself..
And i did..
You was always by my side..
I felt the warm & love from you..
I had never expected this to happen..
We had all our meal together everyday..
When i wanted to tell you, i love you..
I open my eyes and is time to wake up for work..
I really broke into tears at that time..

And it really bring my day down to everything..
Totally had no mood to work..
But because of some reason, i still have to..

It been really hard for me..
Countless of breaking in tears..
Uncontrolled emotion..
Alonelyness was what i'm facing..
Nothing matters as much as you..
Nothing makes me cares much..
Nothing was bothering..
Because nothing was done..

Stopping here might be good for me..
It might be a breaking down point..
It doesn't matters if i had climb out from the breaking point..
It might be a point for me to keep dreaming..

..Alonelynes$..
..ShaDoW..
..030809..

I did it once again, not infront of everyone but alone to myself

2009-06-22T00:37:00.002+08:00

I felt broken hearted..
I felt the pain..
I felt hope but was destroyed..
But no matter what ShaDow still loves you once again..

ShaDow & yoU

I Want Nobody But You..

2009-06-12T20:33:00.003+08:00

I miss you..

But i'm Sorry..

ShaDow

The Reality That Kills

2009-06-05T01:52:00.006+08:00

我有你拿也拿不走的旧回忆,

我可以一个人安静的忘记你,

我恨你最后那一句,

我恨我爱你

Time was never meant for me..

What over is over..

I got no chance to meant it back..

Patient was just nothing but a word..

Love was never meant for me..

Mistake is all i could made..

Thats your decision..

Let me be alone for the rest of life then..

Is back aGain...

2009-06-01T23:47:00.005+08:00

The mask i used to wear..

I'm going to wear it again..

Concealing myself was never a difficult task..
It is just as easy as natural..
Is never too hard & always easy..

People who knows me well, i guess you all had notice it..
I don't know why people call me "dao"..
When i'm just concealing myself..
Never been plastic nor drama when i conceal..

When i din answer you doesn't mean i'm "dao"..
Cos i just din hear you..

When i don even bother to look at you..
Den you could just ignore me..
Is either you had made me feel disgusted or irritating..
Or maybe disappointed..

I always have my point by doing things..
I don't do things that i don't like & i do things that i like..
And of cos it apply to all..

I guess no one knows what i'm trying to say..
Cos i don't know it too..

Stress, disappointment, job & money have all come to an issue to me..
I don't know, really don't know what the shit have i done..
I had do this & do that just to improve myself..
But all the hopes that i had put in, i guess it is just empty..

I had given up a little..
& had given up on all the hopes i had..

I had try all ways & everything that i could..
But i don't know what had gone wrong..

I'm not going to cares whoever comes & goes..
Whoever wish to come just come as you want..
Whoever wish to go make sure you bring back every shit you had done before you go..

Everyone is imperfect..
I just wanted to add a little perfect to everyone to make them all perfect..
And i think that's the biggest shit that i had done wrong..

No matter what i'm not gonna feel sad about "them"..
Talk to me as you want..
Hug me as you want..
Who the shit you think i am..

Next time when you see me..
I don't think i will even look into you..

Just
FCUK OFF
YOURSELF

If you're clever enough..
But i think is hard for you all..
As you all are so looking forward to get the *STAR* Award for yourself..
So i guess it will be real hard..

So i think i should not blog much..
Is time for me to rehearse..
Cos everyone including me is selfish..

You all can say whatever you like.
Its your mouth, I wont restrict ur freedom.
People believes u cos of your 'innocent-looking' MASK that u wear
& the naive act that u play.
It's okay, coz i portrays my Genuine-self.
The truth will eventually come to light one day.
Oh ya, beware of rotting maggots in your mouth at nite.
Maybe they taste sweet?

ShaDow & we3

Broken Into

2009-05-15T01:17:00.002+08:00

Emotion BreakDown

Who can lead the way for me..
Who can hold onto me and bring me through..
Who could be there to help me till i really make it..

Just A Loser..
Leave me alone, when i say..
Leave Me Alone..

ShaDow & w3E

The Feeling Was Never Right & i Knew It All Along..

2009-05-08T00:53:00.002+08:00

All along i know what i'm doing..
The feeling was never right..
I don't really care..
I know, i'm stupid..
But in fact i do care alot..

Maybe is because i cared too much..
In the end, i lose to the game..

I try real hard not to bother about it..
But it seems really too "plastic"..
And i really do find it too..

I had never think of winning the game..
Cos i knew, i was in the wrong point..
I'm really at the lost point..

I though, alcohol could bring my mind away..
But ended up it make me focus on what i'm thinking..

Am i going to conceal one more time..
Trying real hard not to conceal my feeling & emotion..

But this time i think i got to..

I hate it, when i know what i'm doing was wrong & i still did it..

ShaDow & wE3

Missing..

2009-04-26T20:18:00.004+08:00

The feeling of missing..
Is making my mind wondering all around..
The place, I'm thinking..
Is not where i belong to..

I don't have the heart to give up..
But i had let it all go..

Thinking & thinking non-stop..
Just can't make my mind stable..
Had a lot to let it out..
But is still best for me to keep it hidden..

Am i a good liar..
Did i lie too much..
Sometimes i start to believe my own lies..
It worries me a little..

Sometimes when i say..
I'm fine..
I just want someone to look in my eyes & say..
"tell the truth"..

But things just look too dramatics ..
I think, everyone deserve to be in part of the *Stars* Award..

When the world comes to reality..
I believe not everyone could take it..
Cos i'm one of them..

I had given myself two days of full rest..
But it just don't get me any better..
It just let me had a feeling of something is not right..

Every once in awhile..
I will always have this feeling..
And it is always right..

I try not thinking too much..
But looking at everything it just make me think of it..

I try living in my own..
But sometime things around irritant me a lot..

If one day..
When i say leave me alone..
Please do so..

ShaDow & weE

P/s:
Don't ask me what happen..
When i will always say i'm fine..

外面下着雨犹如我心血在滴

2009-04-17T00:06:00.003+08:00

This shall be the last post for the time being..

I think, i really needed some time to clam myself down..

Interview today was quite smooth..
This was the first time I'm having much confident in myself..

Darlin boi went with me..
And i'm sorry to had let you waited for so long..
After which we went to far east plaza..
Darlin boi went to get his gucci pouch..
We went for our lunch at pizza hut..
As i had long for pizza hut..
Darlin boi got for me a polo t-shirt..
And we wanted to go for shopping again..
But caicai kept rushing me..
So went to meet them..
When darlin boi left, i message him..
I told him, i'm very happy but don't know why..

Met caicai & co at Chinese garden..
Heading our ways to jurong swimming pool..
But damn it, is temp close..
So we head to clementi pool..
Had lots of fun there..
Enjoyed myself with them..

We had plan for tomorrow which is later..
Plan to go JB & enjoy ourselves..
Was really looking forward to it..

When going back..
I saw two missed call from my dad..
Was wondering why he called..
As i had told him i'm going out..
Before i call my dad..
I saw the message in my the other phone from my sis..
Telling me grandma had passed away..

I was just too damn shock to even react..
That was too sudden, i had not even prepared for it..
Mary had always ask me to go along with them to see grandma..
But as always i can't get to wake up early..
And one fine day i finally went down with them..
My tears almost roll down from my eyes..
Seeing grandma had lost lots of weight..
And she can't even eat..
At that time my heart really ache..
And that was the only time i went to see her..
Even though she cant talk..
But she knows that i was there..

I was just controlling myself..
Tears only start falling from my eyes when i'm typing all this..
When young grandma really dote on all of us..
But as time goes by..
I think people from my aunt side had really broke her heart..
Regarding all of my grandma saving..
I wish people who had taken her money will suffer ten time even worst..
My aunt should be shaking legs happily at home ba..
That was her wish telling everyone why she still live till so old..
Faster leave and they won't be having much trouble..
Telling everyone was fine..
But she was telling everyone on the very first fucking day of CNY..
And was infront of my grandma..
How i wish tomorrow funeral was her in the picture..
So i could enjoy myself in JB..
I believed what come around goes around..
Your two son soon will be repaying everything to you..
Just prepare to received it ba...

This is the one and only picture i had with my grandma..
If we had not taken this picture..
I wonder how am i going to have one out..

蓝色的街灯
明灭在街头
独自对窗
凝望月色
星星在闪耀
我在流泪
没人知道我

突然发现站了好久
不知道要往哪走
再多人陪只会更寂寞
好多好多的话想对你说

Rest in peace ah ma.. u'll always be loved n remembered by me in my heart forever..

16-04-2009
The day that i don't want it to be..

Running Away..

2009-03-30T22:43:00.003+08:00

我需要的平静
是敢回头看曾经
那些为爱患得患失的情景
我选择忘记
曾经我放纵享受
到最后无处解脱
越心痛就越快乐
越想快乐越寂寞

海一望无际
看不见终点在哪里
深邃又吸引
我的心

也许明天
没有谁
陪我走过
潮起潮落
也许明天
还有你
陪我开始
直到最后

海一望无际
我在浪里

也许明天
只有你
我的明天
也许明天
没有谁
陪我走过
潮起潮落
也许明天
我还有你
陪我开始
直到最后

也许明天

I don know why..
The feeling is getting me stronger..
Stronger from running away..

The two person i'm closer with..
Somehow i had felt the plastic-ness in them..
It kind of upset me a lot..

Everything i had done, i don't ask for anything..
But it seem that i must be there to help..
During the car trip, i always felt lost..
I got the rush to run away..

I felt being used..
The name that i was called, i don't mind..
But you all just use me as what was the name called..

I told myself not to be angry..
I told myself not to be upset..
But everything just seems to be so hurting..

I always felt left out..
It make me have the thinking that..
I'm always the one doing more then you all..
But i was always the last one to received everything..
I'm not asking for any credits..

Everything i did..
I realize something..
Everyone will only keep the good ones for themselves..

给我一个空间没有人走过感觉到自己被冷落

给我一段时间没有人曾经爱过再一次体会寂寞

曾经爱过却要分手为何相爱不能相守到底为什么

早知如此何必开始欢笑以后代价就是冷漠

既然说过深深爱我为何又要离我远走海誓山盟抛在脑后

早知如此何必开始我还是原来的我

给我一个空间没有人走过感觉那心灵的伤口

给我一段时间勇敢的面对寂寞再一次开始生活

p/s : Don't ask me why..
Don't ask me what happened..
Only ask me why if you really want to see me even more upset..

ShaDow & weE

You're badly missed by ShaDow

2009-03-19T00:40:00.002+08:00

2 more Days to go..

YOU'RE
MISS
BY
ME
MY
DARLIN
BOI

ShaDow & weE

The simple life & the simple love that i had..

2009-03-12T23:23:00.003+08:00

Am here to update my blog for my darlin boi..

Had been spending my days with him..
And we had been watching quite a few movie..
Even if not with him..
All my message are still from him..

Darlin boi came over my house on monday..
And we spend the night together..
In between we went to bugis..
And finally I HAD my contact lenses..

Wahahah..
I'm so happy..lol
And darlin was the one who teach me how to wear and remove..
Lucky now manage to do it my own le..

On tuesday evening..
Went over to meet laopo, baobao, alvin, xm and panjang..
Did enjoy myself..
But somehow my mood got swing all around..
What we do was sit & wait..
Dorts..
Whatever it is..
Only i know it myself..

And well today met up with darlin boi..
We went to the IT fair..
And OMG it was "People mountain, people sea.." lol
Well just had to tell myself because this is SINGAPORE...lol
Darlin went to look for his friend too..
What i can say was her friend so cute..
So shock to see me so tall..haha
Then noti darlin boi go change subject..
haha..lol

And there was burberry sales too..
But it just seems like some pasar malam..
And seeing children clawing here and there, like no one kids..
It just prove that their parent are SINGAPOREAN..

After which we went over to chinatown..
And we had our dessert..
We had the mango sago and dumpling
Not forget the lots & lots & lots of sugar..
Only darlin boi know..
Haha..

It really make my days..
Love you my darlin boi..
Will wait for your return from china..
Buy lots & lots of stuff for me ar..
Haha.. just kidding..
Miss you lots..
Enjoy yourself ok..

ShaDow & weE

27th Feb 2009, the day that mark on my calendar

2009-03-01T22:44:00.002+08:00

The week that pass..
I had enjoyed myself
Well, things changes a little..
As i know, nothing would always remain the same..

Met my darling boi..
Things clicks quite well..
Had our movie..
Slacking around at town..
And met up with weiwen..
We went to had tuo huay..
And headed back home..

Went club as usual..
Ah lian was drunk..
And waited for ah lian to wake up..
If not no one can drive, haha
Don't drink so much le la hor..
Why let yourself suffer while he is enjoying life out there..

And today was nuan-ing the whole day at home..
I need to catch up with my sleeping..
That all ya..

ShaDow & Wee...
Opps..
Muack c:

My Feeling Was Always Right..

2009-02-27T02:34:00.002+08:00

It been so long since i had update my blog..
My last post was on valentine day..
Well i had really enjoyed my days with Laopo..
Was not home for more then a week..

We went for shows, club and doing praying thingys..
I had learn a lot from it..
I had seen too much..
Now that i understand what he had been always telling me..

And i know who is good & whose not..
Whatever good or bad i had to accept it..
Is really time to talk less & listen more..

Now i could tell who are real & who are not..
Slowly is time for me to put those so called not real into my recycle bin..
Is no use keeping them..

Is really so easy for you to say whatever you wanted to..
But it is always so difficult to forget what others had said..

The true concern, i know are from who..
And those "concern" thus i guess you can just save your breathe..

Sometimes i guess, i'm just a good liar..
Cos even friend that i called friend don't have the trust in me..
I told you tomorrow we still have to do it..
And yet you can call me..
&
Fucking first things from your fucking mouth was:
Today really still doing..
I swear, if i could put my hand into the phone..
I would give you some tight slap..
I wish i could only..

Maybe i had really joke too much..
Shall i just take my mask off my face..
Being not me was a real hard task for me..

I should look at everything with a different angle now..
Regarding good or bad..
I really hate knowing so much of things..
&
I hate hearing things that i don't know too..

I just wanted to be in the dark forever..
Knowing so much doesn't make me to be the king or queen..
It only worsen me..
I just want to live in my own heaven..
I know it is just too silly of me..

=
Is so easy for me to just change my name..
But it is really hard for me to change myself..
Finding the masterpiece of myself
ShaDow

Somehow..

2009-02-14T06:00:00.004+08:00

Somehow i miss you..
But i don't know..
Don't know whether i'm missing you or him..
I don't know the "you" izzit really you..
I don't know the "him" izzit" really him..

Things are not possible..
I know it..
And i had accept it..

I kept telling myself..
No matter what i had somehow stepped back..
I don't want to have any misunderstanding..

I'm happy the way i am now..
But the facts is i just couldn't take it..
I don't know what is making me to look back..

If given a chance..
I believe , i would say no..
But that was not from my heart..

Why can't i just be myself..
A sudden of loneliness brought a sudden of fear to me..

Why do i misses you so much when im feeling real down..
Is this the return i always have to take it..

I know i'm prepared for it..
But the pain was still there..

I had heard of it..
I kept holding on to it..

I hided all my emotions to myself..
It only make me feel worst when i'm home alone..

Living all by myself now..
I want to build up everything that i had lost..
I have to prove it..
For how long, i had no idea..

I had given up what i had always wanted..
The thousand dreams i had, i no longer ask for..

14-02-09
Love was never for me
Happy valentine day
ShaDow

我恨我爱你

2009-02-11T05:04:00.003+08:00

苦笑的脸忙而累
该醒的时候我却还想醉
最后只有往幸福门外退
一碰就痛一想就悲
冲掉心中爱的馀味再活一遍
那种人不值得留恋
那些爱拖一天错一天
相爱的情歌你听不厌
相仇的局面你又躲不远
你步步的往自由门外退

爱不爱我已经没关系
一点小伤而已
都怪我太不争气
我恨我爱你
只是因为你是你

没关系…
我有你拿也拿不走的旧回忆
我可以一个人安静的忘记你
我恨你最后那一句

ShaDow
我恨我爱你

I hearted..

2009-02-04T00:34:00.005+08:00

I had long knew it..
But giving up was never in my mind..

Lost in the mirror..
I no longer see myself..
Been attacked down..
I had surrender to myself..
The game is over..

All i have to do is to forget how much i love him..
All i have to do is to put my love one side..
Tell myself is over..

Is easy..
I try to forget how much i love him..
In my dreams..
Slowly it disappear..
I cannot forget..
Tell me it was not real..

Nothing is like what i say..
My heart will never stop..

For now..
All i have to do is pretend i never knew you..
The little things that happen..
It stab into my heart..
Is not going to be real..

Trying hard to forget..
It just broke me into tears..
Acting strong..
It just bring myself down..

It was never easy to act..
It was never easy to be strong..

Ever since it happened..
I knew it..
I knew it all along..

It was never me..
It was never me you once had..

Too many..
Too many of it just bring me heartache..

I look into your eyes..
It makes me go round my mind..
Too lost in myself..
I had no longer know who myself is..

Losing my mind..
I don't know what i'm doing..
I'm going weak..
And had put in the wrong feeling..

I knew what i'm doing..
But i really don't know what i'm thinking..

If love could means everything..
I think, i will not be living in my own shadow..

I like my life now..
But i love my life before..

If you had heard of it..
Will it remind you of it..

Living alone now..
Thinking of what i had..
Is just a shell i had..
Living in it, is gave me secure..
But nevertheless it had never given what i wanted..

Keep holding on to it..
I know, i was just living in lies everyday..
I had never ask..

It don't seem important anymore..
I had never felt this way before..
Everything i do is just for you..
Do you see how much i need you right now..
I bet, i was just dreaming..

A thousand dreams i still believed..
I know, i still have to live in reality..
I had never thought of running away from you..
Cos i was just running away from myself..

Every night is getting longer..
I can't get myself to sleep..
I had surrender everything..
I wish to you, i know it can't feel it..

Everything that i had say now..
It won't be counted in it anymore..

Right here, right now..
I had given up..
I surrender myself..
Love was never for me..
There was so much in life..
I can't find a way to have my lovable path..

Let it all be ended here..

This is the only door left for me..
Let me in, and live in the shadow of myself..
The reality that i can't face..

If you all had ever notice with the pictures..

..ShaDow..
..SURRENDER..
>>THE REALITY THAT WAS NEVER REAL<<

那是才开始认识你的日子
我重复想着简讯里写的句子
假如你是我等待的爱情故事
我希望每页都有你的名字
两个人陌生认识爱
不是个孤独的字
有些话想几千次
对你想说些什么
但是我没办法解释
爱是个有你才完美的故事
我们从以前走到永远为止
因为你有一种很单纯的样子所以让明天忽然那么真实

那次流過的淚,讓我學習到..

2009-01-30T15:29:00.002+08:00

~
我突然感觉什么都已经无所谓了
No Status
29/01/09

ShaDow

I just needed alittle more..

2009-01-28T17:43:00.002+08:00

Looking Back..
It seems to hurt..

Is the begining of a new year..
And Chinese new Year had seem to be over..

Day before went over to Play..
Standing at the dance floor for 3 hours..
Seeing people enjoying..
But i just can't seem to find the enjoyment..
Seeing people with their love ones..
Standing there, i really don't know what i'm doing nor what i'm thinking..
Some asked am i ok, some asked what happened..
I just told them nothing, i'm just tired..
The enjoyment seems no longer found in that place i used to have..

Went over to my grandma house the first day of new year..
It just seem like the people there i no longer know them..
It was a totally bored day on the first day of new year..

Went over to Jojo & Larry house on the second day..
People like Eugene, Alvin, Kelvin, Terence & some others was there too..
It was quite enjoying but it somehow bring my mood down too..
Was kind of bored sitting alone..
So i joined them playing blackjack or whatever it is called..
Seriously said i know nothing about it..
Thanks to Eugene baobao & Alvin di for helping me..
Not that bad, at least i had won about 20$
Did enjoyed a little.
But seeing "something"..
I felt quite disappointed..
But is ok, trying hard not to spoiled it..

After all, i realize that is not me..

Was waiting for some answer..
But is alright now..

Weiwen did came down to Larry house..
But he was too shy to go into Larry house.. (i don't know why)
So we went over to the playground..
Had quite a long chat..
Talking bout "things" and so & so..
About 5am plus he send me home..
Since he stayed in the west too..
Reached home, online awhile & went to bed..

I really don't know what i'm thinking..
And i really don't know what i'm doing anymore..
The moment i close my eyes, i felt really lost..
I don't want my thinking to turn out into reality..
I hate reality..
I can't accept the truth..
I rather, i'm been kept in the dark..
Never to let me know the truth..

I just need a little more love from you..
And there's nothing more i'm asking for..

Learning to step back..
But i really don't wish to..

ShaDow

Holding Myself In My Own Arms

2009-01-22T21:37:00.003+08:00

Something in my mind..
I just couldn't figured it out..
There's lots of answer..
Every answer hurts me deeply..

Each answer, i told myself not to think it that way..
But it seems like I'm lying to myself..

The knife that stabbed in my heart..
I could stand the pain..
I could bear with it..

The only thing that i can't stand is..
Seeing it pulling it out slowly right in my eyes..

I don't ask for much..
Or i could said, i had never ask for anything before..

All i wanted is to just see you right in my eyes..
That was the greatest things that i could had..

I just wanted to ask for..

You to be by my side..

And that's the only thing i wanted to ask for..

Too Lost In You..

2009-01-13T23:39:00.002+08:00

You look into my eyes..
I go round my mind..
I can't see anything..
Cos love make me blind..

I can't tell myself..
I can't break my words..
I can't try it again..

I'm too lost in..
Too lost in everything..
Lost in everything i'm doing..

I find myself too useless..
I broke into tears..
Just for this time..

I saw you..
But that was what i thought..
I was wrong..
The vision that blur me out..

Just a ring on my phone makes my day..
But afterall is just all that i had thought..

I needed you..
But i cried in my own arms..

I tell myself to be strong..
But i was weak in my heart..

I hide myself..
That's all not me..
I don't want the game to be over..

ShaDow

Am glad

2009-01-03T02:35:00.004+08:00

Even it is just a message..
Or should i not..

A ring from my phone..
And i saw a message from you..
I smiled..
Opening the message..
Is not as what i thought..
Thinking what you would had sent me..
But i was wrong..
A random message, bring my mind to nowhere..

The promises & everything was nothing now..
I guess..
You have him now..
I'm glad for you..

Because i had lied to you..
That was why your promises was all lies too..

We're living in our lies of life..
We can't blame each other then..

I had told you we are impossible..
You're living in your path..
And i'm in my path..

Because of one message..
And we quarrel again..

Maybe in the first place..
I should not had talk to you first..
And we won't be ended up in this stated..

No more, just no more message from you..
And i will be glad..

I know you will be reading it..
Just remember..
Forget about me..
Treasure him more..

That's my word & blessing for you..

ShadOw..

The Day That Doesn't Call It A Day

2008-12-18T22:02:00.003+08:00

The disappointment that filled..
The day, whereby i slept the whole day at home..

I thought..
As i always thought..

I guess it doesn't matter at all..

脚步再快跟不上你的嘴
分开我骗了谁
想擦掉你的脸
擦不掉痛却更明显

你说你要的世界　　
在很远　　
我不了解

别把话说得太美

我飞不出你的世界
借不到一点安慰　　
为什么你拼命后退　　
退到了边界
结果我没了知觉
就连痛都嫌浪费

在爱里残废　
非弄得伤痕累累
累到我无力在追　
最怕你突然要挽回
回到了原点　　
原点却又像终点
然后多痛一遍　
爱你心都不变

18th Dec 2008
Which i called it not a day that i want..
The day that is not to be mention..
The day that i spent it alone..

Goodnight..
If i think, i'm okie..
Then shall just forget it..

=ShadOw=　

Will You Even Mention Or Remember it?

2008-12-17T01:40:00.003+08:00

A little weird feeling..
And a little of what you had told me..
Push me back & don't let me fall..

If you know what day it is after today..
I will be more then contented..

But i guess you won't even mention about it..

ShaDow
17th Dec 2008

The Long Waiting..

2008-12-14T18:42:00.003+08:00

After so long of waiting..
And now is the time i thrown everything back..

12th Dec 2008..
Is finally the day i collected back my NRIC..
Well, is nothing really special to me..
Cos no one shared the joy with me..
Is just the suffering that i had for the 2 years..
Yes, my job was really easy..
But behind every fairly tales no one knows..
I will never miss the people there..
I will never miss the place there..
There's never a memorable things for me..
Only one could understand how i'm feeling..
Last of all there's nothing more i should bother anymore..
And is time for me to say
ORD LOH!!!

Now is the time to face everything outside..
I regret for not doing what i should had done earlier..
I can't blame anyone, is the laziness in me..
Crying now, i know is still not too late..
But for what i know everything is just too rush..

I felt a little lost..
Trying to find my way..
And is getting dark..
I know everything is just too late for me to..

Humans are just too hard for me to handle..
I don't know when to be serious..
When you all think that i'm joking..
I don't know when to be real..
When you all think that i'm being plastic..
I don't know when to let out my words..
When you all think that i'm only talking to myself..
I don't know when to tell the truth..
When you all think that i'm playing around..

It really make me wondering..
Why must it be like this..
Why things like this could happened..
Why must there be a spoiler..
Why are there people being out there to spoil things..
And why are people there to be the good & the bad..

Is really so hard for me to express myself..
I had really thought of telling out..
But the action it gave out of really a disappointed one..
So i might as well take it as talking to myself..

Well i think wearing the mask that cover the truth..
Still suits me the best..

The day that i had really enjoyed myself..
Your smile & everything..
Is enough to cover everything of my heart..
13th Dec 2008

&
I just wanted to live in my own ShaDow..
No one could stop me from that
15th Dec 2008

When woke up & you're gone..

2008-12-04T23:37:00.002+08:00

I often close my eyes
And I can see you smile
You reach out for my hand
And I'm woken from my dream
Although your heart is mine
Its hollow inside
I never had your love
And I never will

And every night
I lie awake
Thinking maybe you love me
Like I've always loved you
But how can you love me
Like I loved you when
You can't even look me straight in my eyes

I've never felt this way
To be so in love
To have someone there
Yet feel so alone
Aren't you supposed to be
The one to wipe my tears
The one to say that you would never leave

The waters calm and still
My reflection is there
I see you holding me
But then you disappear
All that is left of you
Is a memory
On that only, exists in my dreams

I don't know what hurts you
But I can feel it too
And it just hurts so much
To know that I can't do a thing
And deep down in my heart
Somehow I just know
That no matter what
ShaDow always love you

That's what i could say

2008-12-04T01:29:00.001+08:00

It finally happened..
I knew..
I knew that it was just a matter of time before it happens..
I thought I was prepared for it..
I really thought I was..
But I was wrong..
And guess what?
I didn't know it'll hit me so badly..

ShaDow

Trying to..

2008-12-01T18:13:00.000+08:00

I just wanted to..

ShaDow..

那次流過的淚　讓我學習到 ..

2008-12-01T07:20:00.002+08:00

你問在我心中　是否還苦惱..
那次受傷　否決了愛的好..
謝謝你問的關照　我一切都好..
一個人　不算困擾..

愛雖然很美妙..
卻不能為了寂寞..
又陷了泥沼 ..

寧可空白了手..
等候一次　真心的擁抱 ..

愛不是一種需要　是一種對照..

能願意為了一份愛付出去多少..
然後得到多少並不計較..
當我想清楚的時候..　
我就算已經準備好..
放手去愛　海闊天高..

The pills that bring me to sleep..
The painkillers that killed the pain..

If I'm wrong I am right..
It had proven..
I'm prepared..

Attack me with everything that goes..
Kill me with a silent smile..

I had look upon it
Come to me..
And i shall end the night..

ShaDow knows..

i Laugh At My Own Sillyness

2008-11-30T05:14:00.003+08:00

Close my eyes..
&
Let me sleep

I'm sorry..
我的离去若让你拥有所有
让真爱带我走
说分手

Jonathan..

我知道伤心不能改变什么..

2008-11-24T22:18:00.003+08:00

只有关上了门不必理谁..
我要谢谢你给的
你拿走的一切

哪怕说出口只需要一秒
你都不要
我的痛像把刀
血在流看得到
你却在她怀抱
微笑

如果两个人的天堂
象是温馨的墙
囚禁你的梦想
幸福是否象是一扇铁窗
候鸟失去了南方

浪漫如果变成了牵绊
我愿为你选择回到孤单

你能看到我留在屏幕上的字
却看不到我滴在键盘上的泪
眼泪的滋味好象苦水
我会记着你的好一辈子
为你落下最后一滴泪不再哭泣
也许某天还会笑着想起你
写下的日记都是回忆
只希望你可以在你的心里
留下我的身影

傻傻的想了很久

如果爱情可以瞬间忘记
我又何苦那么的爱你
冰冷的空气
穿透我的身体
冰冻我的心

你能看到我留在屏幕上的字
却看不到我落下的眼泪
它的滋味好象苦水
我会记着你的好一辈子
为你落下最后一滴泪不再哭泣
也许某天还会想起你
落下的泪滴是为了你
也为了证明我曾经
真的爱过你

我和你存在一种危险关系
但你的温柔是我唯一沉溺
你是爱我的就不怕有缝隙
在我的心上用力的开一枪
让一切归零在这声巨响
如果爱是说什么都不能放
我不挣扎反正我也没差

无所谓当作成长
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有

心不是热的全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的
把从前想了一遍
谢谢了伤我的人
想做乐观的人
每种雨声听了都不冷

I also don't know what i'm doing..
Just a random post..
With meaning if you get what i mean..
If you don't, then maybe is just about copy and paste then..

ShaDow

What Could Had Happen, Had Happened

2008-11-21T21:02:00.002+08:00

Ending up, i don't know what is happening..
It happened for a reason, but what's the reason for happening..

I really don't know what's wrong with me..
I guess, i should take some long rest before i could continue..

I wanted to feel different..
But i felt even worst..

I try to be strong..
But mentally, i broke down..

I'm happy..
But i don't felt contented..

I think out of the box..
But i felt being too sensitive..

I felt lonely..
With people around i felt alone..

I had thrown all the past away..
But history still remind me of it..

I had open my heart..
But i felt myself living alone..

I wanted to shout out everything in my heart..
But it is left unheard..

I try writing it out..
But it is not what i wanted to say out..

I keep holding on to it..
But things around are attacking me..

I closed my eyes and felt that you're there..
But you're not seen around..

I will hold you in my arm & take the pain away..
I will do anything that could let you be happy..

Settle down is what came to my mind..
(But is that a childish thought from me..?)
I laugh at people when they told me that they wanted to settle down..
It kills me when i have the thought of settling down..
I think is really time for me to have a good thought about it..

I want to have my own house..
I want to have my own car..
I want to have my own career..
I want to have everything on my own..

Last of all i want someone who could settle down with me..
&
Share all the things that i own..

Afterall, what i needed is just someone..
That someone who will be always by my side..

Guess i gonna put in more effort..
More effort in not doing anything..

We're living below heaven & above the hell..
We're living in the middle of it..
No one could touch prefect..
No one could be as bad as the beast..
Once again i had known..
There's still people living as an angel & devil..
Being the angel & devil, bringing the power of togetherness..

I shall just live in the dark..
And to conceal myself..

Should I Be Happy Or Should I Not..

2008-11-16T23:35:00.003+08:00

It was the greatest birthday i ever had..
But "IT" just spoil part of it..

Was busy for the past two days..
Preparing stuff & food for the steamboat at my house..
It was really tough..
Painkillers don't really works anymore..

But overall the effort was worth it..

Oh ya..
I got items to sell..

Nah just kidding, was the present i had..

Sins chocolate.. WARNING - It will cause addiction..
From jojo, Aaron & Stanley..
From kelvin, kiro, terrence & sliver..
From Kazaf & Suan Gan - Sad that they did not turn up..
And asked some look alike people to give me..
Hahah~~~~
From Briano Sim P S ( I spelled correctly okie) Eugene, Eugenia & Jason

& a Club 21 voucher from sebastian Ng & Gary..

& also not forgetting the HandPhone from Nanda..

Last but not least a birthday cake from andy Ho...

Once again thanks all those who had come:

Larry,JOjo,Aaron,Stanley,Kelvin,Kiro,Terence,Sliver,Briano,Eugene,Eugenia,Jason
Kazaf,Jerek,Sebastian Ng,Gary,Ben,Desmond,Andy Ho,Kevin

And also thanks those wishing me a happy birthday..

Thanks alot people..

Some things always come after the Good Time..

You say..

I was MEAN..
I INSULTED you..
I was PLASTIC..
I hurt you DEEPLY..

I'm mean because i say those things at my HOUSE..
Yes is my house..
Do i have to ask you for permission..?
Yes maybe i should ask Mary about it..
And you should felt happy that i did not bring out my mop or whatever thing..

Because i say that & you felt insulted..
First thing first, what had i say to insult you..?
I die hard also remember what i had said..
Because of what i had say it hurt you deeply & u cried till Play..
I really felt bad, very bad..
Cos water is precious..

Yes, i die hard also remember that i had ask you to come..
But, but i did say i will update you all again..
Confirmation message will be sent again..
But did you received that message i had send you..
All i can say is, i had sent to everyone except you..
So is that a inviting..?
Or a uninvited guest..?

Oh ya, oh ya..
For your information Kelvin is not my baby okie..
Wait i kena beat how..?
Kelvin is my baobao kkz..
Come follow after me.. baoBAO~~~~

And please, kelvin broke off with you is none of my business..
Why should i care..
And why should i be angry with you..
But, but again i felt so So so happy for kelvin..(u know, i know okie)
So is none of that problem..

And is not that i don't want to friend you or what so ever..
(Erm, so childish can..)

Everytime you say hi
I give you a plastic smile or face for what..
So be clever...
That's in your message..

For your information i don't everytime give you plastic smile or face..
(very tired de you know)
So i don't have to be clever for that..

You say after Halloween we are still okie..
But, is not after - is on that day itself..

You don't have to apologize to me..
Cos you're just out of my list..

To people out there..
Yes i may be real bad..
Bitching about people..
Why are there people in the world like me been such a FxxxxR
Before you bitch me please find out what actually happen..
You think i felt so proud saying all this..?
After those incident, all those shit are just in my mind..

Do i deserve all this..?
Do i really want to do that..?
Do i have a choice..?

If i would choose not to say all those things..
And pretend nothing happened..
Isn't it even worst then been Plastic..

Yes , i know:

I had never being a good friend..
All i did was to bitch about people when they do wrong or things..
What i did was being plastic to people when i start to hate them..
I always think that i'm right..
Even when people did something wrong,
Me as a friend i won't even correct them..
All i did was kept quiet..
Till one day that person really make me felt disgusted..
And there goes the war..
I had never done a part as a friend..

After saying all this..
What i can say is:
Even if it is without me as a friend to you,
I believed there's much more better people out there then me.

So it doesn't matter when i'm not around..

ShaDow
From the heart of him..
17th November 2008

祝我生日快乐

2008-11-14T23:44:00.003+08:00

Happy 20th Birthday to ShaDow

Let it be ba..
I don't think it gonna be possible..

I only believed in miracle when it will never happen..
And it happened..

Somehow when i waited for the message..
Then i notice is still not too late to let it go & take it anew..

My tears drop while preparing the food for tomorrow..
I wish you could be there..

I know you're in a painful state now..
Let me take the pain for you..
You can have my happiness..

I could feel the beats around..
But i cant feel you there..

Let it be ba..
ShaDow

Thanks people for all the wishing..

Things That I'm Facing

2008-11-11T14:53:00.003+08:00

Should i or Should i nOt..
Is still not too late to cancel it..

Birthday is round the corner..
Having a birthday celebration..
Having the thought to cancel the birthday plan..
I know is still not too late to cancel..
Felt really disappointed over it..
I put in all the effort planning over it..
Sending messages informing you all..

I'm really glad some of you replied my message..
Saying they will be here..
People like: Kazaf, kelvin Baobao & kiimo..

&

I was afraid you all didn't received my message..
So i asked each & every single person that i had invited on msn..
Yes, you all did received..
At that moment i felt quite stupid..

And people like you, i asked if you received the message..
You told me yes..
But you told me you can't come, cos you got no off day..
It stab into my heart once again..
If i didn't asked you in msn..
That's mean you are not turning up without me knowing..

I felt like an idiot..
It wasted my 5 CENTS on messaging you..
Yes, i know is just a 5 CENT..
BUT that 5 CENT just don't worth bloody messaging this kind of fucker..

I only invited those people that i'm closer to..
But i din expect this to happened too..

For fuck sick..
If you all want to come den come..
If not then forget it..

I'm not gonna bother about it..
It only hurts me more when i really care about it..

I will be sorry if you all received another message..
Saying that the celebration is cancel..

ShaDow Sheded tears..

I don't mind singing myself a birthday song..
That will be the last birthday i'm celebrating..

"The true colour that you people are giving is
even scarier then anyone have ever thought of.. "

I swear upon myself..
I will just take you all as nothing in my life anymore after the celebration..
I shall make a move to where i belong..

I don't know why i'm feeling this way..

2008-11-03T23:20:00.005+08:00

I don't know why i'm having this feeling..
It is really painful holding on to it, when can i let go it..

11 days to my birthday..
I don't know what i want..
I don't know how am i going to celebrate it..
Yes, i'm having a plan but will i enjoy myself..
Will the people i'm inviting being true to me..
Will they know what i really want..
I guess not, cos i still don't know what i really wanted..

40 days to ORD..
It seems like i had been waiting for years..
I'm not excited about it..
Cos i still have to step into camp..
I don't know why, the moment i step into camp..
Is just like i'm leaving my soul outside..
Being soul-less in camp, is really hard for me..
I almost cried the fcuk out today..
But thanks i didn't..
I don know how am i gonna spent the rest of days in camp..
The eyes that is looking at me..
The mouth that is saying me..
The arrow that is shooting at me..
Is really so hard for me to take it..
Who could share it with me..
No one..

Guess the only day i could enjoy is during weekends..
But, did i really enjoy..
No, is what i could say..
Why, people are just telling me this and they are doing that..
People only message me asking me am i going to club..
Because they are fcuking alone there..
People asking me where am i..
When they are enjoying their ass & found themselves alone..
Why are my friends like that..
Are they really my friends..
I received your message asking where am i..
But sad to say i told you i didn't received..
Why do i have to say that..
Because i had no longer treated you as a friends..

Why are there people in my group that really make me felt disgusted..
Why must you attract those attention..
Because you're good looking..( i don think so)
Because you dance so well at the dance floor that everyone was looking..
( i tot your whole body cramp)
Your english or chinese is very pro..
(Yes it is that sometime i don even understand)
If you're a TOP, den please act like one..
Cos to me,
You're just DECLARING yourself BOTTOM to everyone..
If i'm the only one who say it den maybe is because i'm fcuking jealous..
But sorry to say that.. Cos EVERYONE is saying it..
Just try me a few feel more time..
You shall see what fcuking surprise you gonna get it from me..

31st October 2008
Guess that's the day i did enjoy a little..
It was Halloween..
And we dress up for it..
Quite a number of us..
I tot it gonna be a disappointed one..
But it turn out to be a great one..
And credit all go to laopo..

Is really a wonderful days for us..
There's Larry, Jojo, Aaron, Braino, Kevin, Standly..
And my kiro baobao-sss they all..
Is really wasted that i didn't take picture with them..

Thanks to laopo for the halloween & the wonderful dinner that you cook yesterday..
Thanks to braino too, cos your present had let me enjoyed myself..
And to everyone who was there..
But except you, you're the one who disgusted me that day..
You should know who you are..
If you felt offended..
Sorry, cos i don't really cared..

Well shall stop here..
If i continue, i think is not gonna to end..
Let me be for the time being..

ShaDow - Not in the mood..

I had Done, What I could.

2008-10-29T23:14:00.003+08:00

When one is suffering..
The others seem enjoying themselves..

!!TRUE COLOUR!!

It seems that i had let go of everything & everyone..
It hurts me alot in the first place..
But when times come..
I realize, i realize that i'm just nothing to you all..

I realize i'm someone that been used by people..
I didn't care much now..
I didn't even bother much too..

Sticking to one person now..
I'm more then content..

I remember what you had told me..
I remember what you had done for me..
I remember what you had promised me..
I remember what i had remembered..

But when i started assuming..
Your 101 reason all are out shooting me to death..
I don't need your reason..

I had never asked for anything..
Cos you're just my everything..
Nothing more i needed..

I don't know which path to walk into now..
I kept looking back..
Looking for your return..

I kept waiting..
Just for a message or anything would do..

I had waited so long..
It seems that you had changed everything..

Every sweet moment comes with a limited time..
Once the time is up, is will be back to it true colour..
I remembered once when you told me you was upset..
Because i left you alone behind.
I felt bad..
But as for now..
I'm the one been left behind..
Thanks to you..

Is ok for me now..
As i know what's the true colour of you all..

45 more days to go..
I believed, i'm gonna change everything..
Like it or not is up to me..
Like it or hate it, it don't matter me..

ShaDow Felt PaiN

!!TRUE COLOUR!!

Finally It Had Ended

2008-10-20T00:47:00.002+08:00

Try to understand the problem better..
Before taking a harsh action..

It time for me to heal myself..
After so long..

The hate in me..
The hate in others..

The disappointment in me..
The disappointment in others..

Every single little things..
I shall let it pass..

Now is the time for me to heal..
I really needa a break now..

The pain are killing me..
As no one would know..

It been a week since i had last seen you..
I misses you so much..
You say, since i miss you so much and you gonna fetch me after my camp tomorrow..
You wanted to make your way to my house now..
But is already very late..
So i shall see you tomorrow..

Is time for me to live in my ShaDow now..
Let all the misunderstanding & everything pass..

I shall be back when the time is right..

Shadow misses you K_CMX..
..050908..

54 more days to go..

Now That Is Still Not Too Late..

2008-10-13T23:28:00.003+08:00

The things we see may be right, from our perspective,until we know the truth..
But when we know the truth, our reaction to that will hurt even more..

You say, you will not call him..
Yes, yes you did not call him..
But, but you answer when he call you..

You say, you will not sms him too..
Yes, yes you did not sms him..
But, but you replied his message..

You say, you love me..
But you still got a heart with him..
You say that i don't trust you..
And you can't even answer my question..

You ask why i'm like that..
When you don't even look into my eyes..

You apologies to me..
But i saw you crying one side at the corner..

When i asked you, you cried for..
You told me you're scared..
I asked you again, why you're scare..
And you don't even know..

After all the drama and explanation..
Of cos, i would still believed in what you had said..
Unless you choose to lie to me..

Maybe i cared too much..
And ended up with all this..

But well, it had past..

Cos you had proved to me..
And that's where my love for you is not wrong..

ShaDow & K_CMX
050908

I'm Gonna Fly

2008-10-08T23:17:00.004+08:00

If you keep doing what you've always done..
You'll keep on getting what you've always got..

I'm dancing in my life..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm gonna fly so high..
I'm gonna reach the sky..
I'm gonna be a star..
I'm gonna make you believed in me..
I'm gonna make myself yours..

I'm gonna give you more..
I'm gonna give my everything to you..
Just because i love you _CMX...
050908
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~

Had been feeling down recently..
Everything that i had seen, seem to disappoint me so much..
I'm just a normal person, why can't i be like some of the people i know..
Is not that i'm having three eyes or eight legs..

Yes, i know i am who i am..
But i don't know why, is really hurting me so much..
Sometime i really don't know to be happy or not to be..
I know, i had got you by my side..
But i just don't know why

Living my days without knowing what i actually wants..
Sleeping all my time to avoid everything..

Trying to be stronger..
It looked so plastic in me..

Promises..
Many promises had come into my mind..
The promises i had made..
&
The promises others had made to me..
It seems that till now nothing, not a single one had actually came to me..

Been isolating myself..
I start talking to myself..
I smile at anything..
I on the radio to the Malay channel..
I always pull a empty chair next to me, so that i don't feel lonely..

After all i just don't know what i'm doing..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somehow, somehow rather you had come to my mind..
And i seriously miss you..

&

To you & him, hope you all are doing fine..
Be more faithful..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know..
If i am the one for you in this life..
I can't help, hearing my voice calling your name..
Cos when i'm trying so hard not to look in your eyes..
Maybe, i have fallen in love with u..
I can't so describe, how i'm feeling deep inside..
So much more then i can say..
With your touch i felt so right..
You're so near..
All the time in the space..
For i know in my heart..
I would never let u go in this life-time..
Do u know why..
Cos you're just so beautiful & so special to me..
Well tonight..
Maybe the sun i can hear you breath..
Is alive..
To see you smell with the tear in your eyes..
They may say tat you're just the person in this world..
In my heart you're like the world & everything to me..
Touch my hand..
Feel my heart..
Hold me close..
And u find me..
You're so wonderful to me..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I SURRENDER..

Either You Die a Hero..
OR..
Live Long Enough To See Yourself a DEVIL..

I shall live long then..
Evil-ShaDow Had Arrived Once Again..

The LovE oF EviL - ShaDow
050908
K_CMX

The fact that friends are for..

2008-10-05T23:08:00.003+08:00

Disappointment is another kind of promise what friends are giving..
Don't let me wait if you're fucking making the last min changes..

It been days since i update my blog
Went for chalet from friday till today just reach home..
My two laopo-sss were there..
And alex came later..
It was Rose chalet..

It was a real fun chalet..
And we miss our clubbing..Lol
Well i rather to enjoy in the chalet then clubbing..

People that are call friends did call me..
But call me for not the reason of asking me out or what..
Asking where am i, got any idea to sign them in in whatever shit things..
I'm glad that you message me, but too bad can't join you..
And towards some people was really glad..
Cos you all wanted to come down after club to find me..
But, never be too happy first was always right..
From what time you all called me and say was coming down..
And till what time..
I called how many time, and what's all the shit things you had say..
And at last..
What was the last fucking message i received..
I force myself not to sleep just to wait for you all..
I even got myself out of bed just in case i fallen asleep..
This is what i always get..
PLEASE, please people i appreciate those shit you all are doing..
BUT JUST DON FUCKING WASTE MY TIME...

How many sorry you had said..
And you told me why are you always the one who kept saying sorry..
And between friends why must there be sorry here and there..

Let me fucking tell you..
It is not about the sorry that matter..
If you can't make a promised then u fucking don't..
If you're those kind of people who always have last min changes..
Den you just fucking fuck yourself off..
Why must you tell people you're coming and end up with the fucking shit..

Story and story..
If you're not sick of it..
Let me tell you, i'm fucking sick for it..

Sometimes i don't really know to believed you all or not to..
Cos you all had never let me put my trust into you all..

Well just forget it..

At the chalet, people who we don't know..
I find them more friendly then people who are call friends..
And at the chalet, Rose had given some prizes..
I think it really says out why she wants to give out those prizes..

Cos i was there..
I had my eyes to see..
Unlike in my reality, people are been so drama..
From one story it can passed to many..
Is alright to pass around..
But for sure, there's people there to always be the editor..
Changes the whole story..

Why must it always be like this..

Why can't my own friends be like them..
Why people that we don't know, always tend to be nicer and more friendly..
What i mean they tend to be nice..
There's no motive in them, i can say so..
Because not only i say that..

Is not always that i must be nice to you because i need your help..
And yes i can fucking say it the people in my reality are like this..

I'm not pin-pointing anyone in my post here..
Please don't feel been offended..
But if you all do, i don't really care..

Cos whatever i had say here is not my make up story..
You want to know that person feel free to fucking ask me..
And i will for sure fucking tell you..

Afterall, i'm fine with it..
Cos you people are just repeating those things..
The hurt in my heart had been numb..
You think i'm going to bother so much again..

For what i know is, i just fucking enjoyed my 3 days 2 night stay in the chalet..
Had no regret for going..
I don't need any reality peoples in my life..
Just one or two who really care for me will do..

So far in this circle there's only one who really care for me..
And a few who will always be there for me when i needed them..

The others, well is just a waste that "mediaCOCK" didn't take you all in..

I'm tired..
Tired of all those "Free Show"
Is time to have a good rest..

ShaDow LovEs yoU K_CMX
Remember not to be too happy when things is not even happening..
That's what i had learn..

I Had Made Up My Mind..

2008-09-28T20:29:00.004+08:00

Everything changes..
Who do you all think i am..

Needed help, you all came to me..
What i can help in, i will..
But when things happened, you all came to me again..
As the same, i will help in what i can..
And when everything is gone..
I'm just nothing to you all..

Thanks to you all who make me who i am now..

Every moments are just like a un-blown balloon..
When the happy moments arrived..
The balloon will be blown up..
And as we tie up the balloon it seems so beautiful..
And all the happy moments are inside..
Time & days passed by..
The balloon turn smaller & smaller..
After which is will became just like the un-blown balloon..

It is gone, is gone..
It is broken, is never new..

27th Sep 2008

Was cleaning my room & some others stuff..
After which had fallen asleep..
Had received tons of message in msn..
Asking me where am i & asking me out..
But my housework was just half done..
Was quite glad to see those messages..
But i don't know..
While resting on the sofa, having a stick of cig..
I was thinking, am i just a friend or someone who could entertain you all..
After thinking so much it really spoil my mood..
Don't actually feel like going out anymore..
But since i'm at home alone might as well go out..

I don't know why..

Really don't know, why do i felt so irritated or rather disgusted by people around..
And as time goes by, i somehow knows where i stand..
I no longer enjoy like before..
I no longer smile from my heart..
I find myself been plastic..
Or rather fake and retarded..

After that went over to maxwell..
Don't know why the place seems haunted to me..
It gave me the feeling of not stepping in again..

I hated everyone there..
Their eyes contact gave me the urge of killing them..
Their voice let me felt not in the reality..
Their movement make me feel like giving them a real tight slap..

And went clubbing..
Lots of unknown people..
A sudden feeling, why was the place so noisy..
Used to enjoyed the loud music, but not yesterday..
It changes so much, although everything was still remaining the same..
I really have the urge to run, to run away from the place..
I didn't feel good about everything..
I felt so miserable..

At about 2.15am i really have the urge to leave..
My back are killing me & my leg are hurting me so much..
No one knows, even people who are close to me..
Don't even know this fucking shit..
I guess only kiro baobao knows that :D
And not long later, heard that you're going over to my house after your work..
I took my things & left at about 2.30am..
Went to take Night rider as you told me not to rush..
Walking over to the bus stop listening to my mp3..
I realize i had already break down..
Tears had been falling from my eyes..
I told myself not to cry..
As there's still people walking around..
But my tears just roll down from my eyes..
I felt so painful never as before..

In the bus..
Alot of people had came to my mind..

Well what i can say is:
I really miss the lunch..
I really miss the surprise..
And i miss "it"..

And i started to tear again..

I miss to club with you..
I miss to drinks with you..
I miss the enjoying at the dance floor with you..

But i guess you're just the type of people i'm refering to at the beginning of my post..

So much so of thinking..
It really make up my mind..
It harder my heart..

When walking home from the bus stop..
I still tears abit while listening to my songs..
I stopped everything when i saw you sitting there..
I had forgotten that i didn't pass you my keys..
You told me you waited for an hour plus..
I thought, you will be angry but you didn't..
You gave me a hug instead..
And you asked why i cried.. Cos my eyes was really red at that time..
I just kept quiet..

The shoulder and the hug is enough for me..
And with the love from you it can really mend my heart..

A real thank you to:
JoJo Laopo - for bringing me to see the F1..
Eugene baobao & Briano - i did enjoyed some moment at the club with you two..

P/S: And those people i had said are no others then who..
They are people who i know and was even sitting the same table as me..
No other then who which is you all..

I'm going to have a long rest from now..
Till my operation, cos it is really hurting me even now..
Maybe the time seeing you all will be on my birthday..
That's the sooner..
Take care people..

ShaDow LoVes You K_CMX
050908

The Tears that Brought Me To Be Stronger..

2008-09-22T23:44:00.003+08:00

Once again i cried so badly..
When no one is around..

I really don't know..
In this life what had i really done to anyone..

Why must i put myself into so many people's shoe..
Is not that i had own you all anything..
And that's why i'm pleasing you all for the fuck shit i had done..

My group of people had been changing & changing the moment i had step in..
And after so long i thought my little group could settle down..
Since we are been together for so long..
Slap me hard, cos i was wrong then..
Till lately i had realize even without me "it" could enjoy "itself"..
Why i say "IT" & "ITSELF" cos it are for animal..
At least you all still stand for some value..

Well for some "it" after been attach..
What are we..?
And after been detach..
You came back again..
Even asking you out when you're attach still have to see your the other half..
When you had been detach..
Turn out to be you asking me out..

Why..??
Why, i ask god why are my friends like that..
Why are they worst then those "chicken" standing & waiting at geyland..
At least they earn for themselves..
What about you all..

For all this why i fucking dare to say..
Ask yourself..
Ever since i'm fucking attach..
When had i ever or when on that fucking day..
I had told you all i won't meet you all because of my the other half..
When your the other half had something on & you join us..
Do i fucking look like a replacement to you all..

After so much i had done..
I'm still been misunderstand by people..
Treating people good seem to have motive to you all..
So you all are telling me that why your mum raise you all up..
So that once you all fucking grow up..
And when your mum fucking needs SEX..
She can just pull you over for sex..??
Is that what you all mean..

Whatever it is..
Just whatever..

I'm fucking sorry..
Fucking sorry for been such a fucker friends to you..
If you are fucking good go fuck everyone around you then..

Well will be away for the time being..
Since this time i really had the excuse that life had brought to me..

Take care fuckers...
Sorry i mean peoples..
Sounds the same..

ShaDow"s LoVe o5o9o8

Why do i become so hard hearted..
The first message that you had send..
I was glad, when you asked me what happen..
I totally fall to the ground when i saw the second message..
Do i have to type it here..
Why, why do you always have to send this kind of message..
At the beginning it was really hurting to see those message..
As for just now, i was real disappointed..
As i told you, isn't it better for me to lie then telling the truth..?
This is always what i get when i tell you the truth..
Don't you find that everytime i blog with those "TOPIC"..
Not long later tons & tons of your message will be sent over..
Yes, you did ask me why, what happen and things..
But did you wait for my reply..?
Or are you going to tell me that my friend message me and i can str8 reply them..
So why can't i reply you..
Please remember i don't bring my phone out..
I only reads those message when i reach home..
Is this what i get when i'm being honest..?
Is trusting me again so hard just because i had lie to you once..?
Forget it..
You're not in the wrong..
I'm the one..
Cos i ignored you...

I really can't continue anymore..
I really don't know where i stand now..
I really don't know why must people attack me when i'm at my weaken point..
I had forgotten what i had plan to do anymore..
Cos nothing seems important to me anymore..
The one who is always been there for me can't even have the trust in me..
What for to be there then..

Everything in my mind i had long forgotten..
Planning what to do after ORD..
Well just forget it..
It don't seem interesting anymore..

ihadbroughteverythinguponmyself..

I'm sorry for all the promises i had made..
Since i can't be trusted..
Den as well take it that i had never promised at all..

Is So Hard To Say Goodbye When You Come To Me

2008-09-20T15:15:00.002+08:00

Is really so hard for just a goodbye..
I like you but you likes "her"..
Cos "she" got the ass ready for you..

I want your love & would gave my love to you..
I want your care & would gave my care to you too..

Let me melt into your voice once again..
Let me smile with your laughter..

I want your everything..
And i would give my anything to you..

I can tolerate your little time for me..
I can tolerate your little care for me..
I can tolerate your everything..

I can tolerate your love that is not enough for me..

But i just can't tolerate after doing so much, he gets everything & nothing i had got..

Don't say sorry, cos i'm not the one who you wanted..
Don't hug me and you think of him..

My tears once for you is bitterly shed..
My heart for you had gone to him..

I think he's more serious then you in me..
You asked me to leave him..
And you went with your him..

You asked me not to let him stay at my house..
And i found out that you actually when to your "him" house..

You made me felt like a replacement..
But he made me felt more worthily..

You don't felt like saying then don't say it..
You don't have to explain to me..

For one lie you had made..
You need another lie to cover the first lie..
And it continue..

Lie, Lies & Liar..
And den you lie on bed with him..
And you start to lay with him..

And you fucking liar comes to me and start lying to me.......

But i still have to thanks you alots..

Because of you..
I had look into him..

Because of you
I had found the love from him and not you..

Because of you..
I cried so badly and the hug i had is from him..

And for you..

Because of me..
You FUCK him hard into his ass..
"Cos never in my life anyone could enter my ass only he's ready for you"

Because of me..
Your everything still goes to him..
"Cos he got the ass ready for you"

That's it...

Since you had a READY ASS WAITING for you anytime..
Go ahead then..FUCK HIM, FUCK HIM - GO FUCK HIM THEN..

I had him now is enough..

REPLACEMENT NO MORE..
My love to you had stepped back..

ShaDow
My love for you is nearer..

Seriously I Don't Know What Is Happening

2008-09-14T16:13:00.002+08:00

Something seem missing..
Something that i no longer trying to ask for..

I seriously dont know what is happening to me..
The moment i open my blog, i start to tears..
That's why i had not been updating..

Something seems to be missing in my heart..
But never to my heart know whats missing..
I felt terrible & lost..
Lost at the place whereby i don't know what's missing..

Have been real down this week..
I tear the moment i listen to the song in my blog..
How i wish, just how i wish..
But never in life that wish would be granted..
I know it myself..

I have put all the blame to myself..
And i know it is fucking impossible..
Why, why do i still fucking care so much..

Will this gonna be another chapter of my life..
I don't want to be alone..
It make me feel lonely..
Too many people around..
It make me felt the loneliness too..

The injected pain is really killing me..
Somehow at somewhere i could smell you..
But right now and right here..
Everything faded..

The reality that i'm trying to face..
The injected pain that i'm trying to face..
The missing feeling that i'm trying to face..

One is fucking enough to shot me down..

Is Really So Hard For Me Today..

2008-09-09T20:28:00.003+08:00

Somehow i really broke down today..
The droplet of tears..
The pieces of broken heart..
The words that left unspoken..
The wound that left un-heal..

I really don't know why..
Maybe is time to..

I Had it now..

2008-09-08T23:22:00.002+08:00

Without pain, Where's the love..
Without love, Where's the pain..

Love you is without any motive..
Love me is with your heart..
Why must we care what others had said..
Believed the person who love me won't lie to me..
For you i gave up everything..
Fate had tell everything is impossible..
Only when you're gone and i felt the pain..

I can't, i really can't..
Love you so much, so much..
And gave you to others..

Fate still stands between us..
Only when i woke up & realize everything was a dream..

With my bloody eyes open wide enough..
Seeing you went over & love others..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I tell myself that's reality..
And i got slap by his words..
You told me you will be by my side every moments since the day..
Yes, you're always there..
But you really don't know what i wanted..

Seeing your loves one, loving someone else..
Isn't it sweet..
It just reminds me of everything..

The question you had asked me..
I am still thinking about it..
Will you be taking me as a replacement because he had left you..
You make me tears once again..
I know you're someone who is good..

What if he still come back one day looking for you..
Will i be seeing my love one going off loving someone again..

I cry, i really cried out loud..
I cry my heart out..
Seeing the people i love going off..

I can't bring myself up anymore..
Cos what you had told me is just like the repeating of history..
Only now then i know what's love till when i felt the pain..
And now i had finally understood the meaning of 'want' & 'needs'..
Cos before that i had got it wrong..

I don't want to live in that shadow again..

Thanks to "Lao-gong" & "Lao-po"..
I had enjoy my weekend..
And i really did..
Although i felt lonely in the first place..
But only you two had light up my night..

And thanks to people like you..
I had realize the reality too..
The thanks goes to others & not me..
Is ok with me..

P/s: i really felt disgusted by myself..
i felt the sensation of "plastic" again..
Let me cry to sleep tonight again..

ShaDow don't need anyone of you all again..
He had learned his lesson..
The cruse that is long awaiting for..
Will arrive soon..
As thats what he always believed in..

It Been Some Days Seem I Blog..

2008-09-03T20:17:00.007+08:00

The reason why..
Maybe i had put everything down..

I had put everything to where it belong..
I'm not going to hold on to it anymore..
Revenge had somehow taken place slowly..

For what i had long for..
For what i had ask for..
For what i had seek for..
For what i had been cursing on..
I will make sure you fucking get it back double the amount i had..
And i believed it will..
Time will for sure prove it to me..
I shall sit & wait here for the day to arrive..

Days are getting better for me..(If it is so..)
Watched money not enough 2 again..
Cried very badly again..
Part of it is because of the show..
And part of it was not..
Thinking that what i had said was clear & understood enough..
But i was fucking wrong..
Maybe is too "chim" for you..
Mary's face changes every fucking second..
& i assume that you won't..
But i was wrong..
At her age auntie still visit her..
So is really bloody fucking hard to say that..

Thinking back of it..
Is so silly of me..
Laughing to myself seem so kinky..

Just like after changing your bloody pad..
You left it in the toilet..
And let it go for show..
Seeing who having the more flow..
Dorts..

People ask me why at that time i got those feeling..
I was like don't know myself too..
Maybe seeing too much "RED"..
Which my sister always left it in the toilet..
The bloody KOTEX PAD..

And if you ask me why now..
I had the answer..
No longer seeing "RED"..
Had wipe it with the KOTEX PAD.. Which refreshes me..
The answer was..
At that time the fucking bloody KOTEX pad must had stuck on my eyes..
That was why i had that feeling..
Not feeling scare but feeling RED..

I kept telling this to myself ever since i saw the email..
I told you that no one seems to care..
And you told me..
It was because..
"I HAD CARE TOO MUCH"
Thinking of it, yes it is..
Thanks for this email.. You woke me up from the bloody land..
That why i'm not going to care too much..
If good, no one will never ever sees it..
If bad, people will say that i'm such a busybody..

I had draw a line to everything..
And everyone..
Just you bloody watch it if you step over my line..

Just let me know if you ever want to challenge me..

I will make sure i stuff this into your fucking bloody mouth...

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Erm.. Sorry if i stuff this in i think it will be a little wasting of it..
So i decided....
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~NO YOU DID NOT FUCKING SEE WRONGLY..
IT SAYS.. KOTEX INSIDE..
COOL AR.. :D
So i had to take that bloody pad...
You wanna see the picture..
SIAO AR, you really wan..
Actually i have..
HOLD ON AR..
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Yes, i really have...
Wait ar..
Processing..
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Loading..
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Yes, i will stuff it inside your fucking mouth..
For your information those are not from my sister..
Hurhur..
Try it..
Maybe you will like it...
MARY like it too..
THAT WHY SHE"S MINE
BLOODY MARY...

BLOODY SHADOW...
Good day..
Following by the day we can sing together..
The Menstruation Songs..
Here we go..

Keep bleeding, Keep Keep Bleeding Love...
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Now I Know What I Am

2008-08-30T15:08:00.002+08:00

My heart sank deep down to the ground..
If this is what you had said, what more could i say..

You left another stab in my heart once again..
And another stab it in at a later part..

I'm a liar..
I'm a asshole..
You hate me like hell..
My friends are always important..
I ignored you..
I don't keep my promise..

I don't deserve any love from anyone..
My promises..?
You have not given me time to prove it so how could i..?
At this time how could i..
Only when i had ORD and that's my promise..
But guess what..

You had never trust me all along..
And all because i told you my friend came to my house things became like this..
What if i lie again.. Saying that i'm going to sleep..?
Would this happen..?

I told you, i din bring my phone to camp..
Yes, sorry that's my biggest lie to you..
I did bring my phone and the sim card..
The sim card that carry the number 96156871..
Which is not in service..
Why did i bring it..
Cos there's all my contacts in it..
My family..
My officer..
My ex boyfriend, boyfriend, ex girlfriend, girlfriend & my part time girlfriend..
My friends & baobao number in it..
If i could remember all the number like Guan Yin Ma can remember everything..
Den i don fucking need to carry it..

And you're just comparing myself with spider..
I'm a coward..
If i'm asleep, how could i reply your message..
Why didn't i reply your message and i off my phone..?
Because i wanted to sleep and i off my phone before all your message..
Maybe thats all a lie to you too..

All your message and email..
You told me you would change..
You say, you won't assume anymore..
You won't be demanding anymore..
You will trust me..
Is that all a lie to..
It that what you're repaying it to me for all my lies..?

Sometime telling the truth causes things to happen..
While telling lies it don't.. I just have to cover it..
And that's what i'm doing it..
You told me to be honest with you..
I didn't try, cos i really just want to be honest with you..
So the life cycle started again..

You ask me why it is so hurtful or painful..
Cos you had not put the trust in me..
I'm putting up my promises..
Cos the days are getting nearer..
I had plan for what i'm going to do after that..
Maybe i just had to burn off the plan..
Cause maybe is just another lie..

I really appreciate for every single things you had done for me..
And everytime i tell myself no matter what you will always be by my side..
And yes you really did..
I really felt sorry for all i had done..
And i promise that i won't leave you..
Till now i'm here..
I don't mind your demanding and things on..
Cos no matter what i believed because you care for me and that why all the demanding came..

But why, why must you say all those things..
It is so easy for you to say all those Words that killed..?

Maybe now you could feel how i had felt..
As knowing the truth hurts..
That's what i always had said..

I wanted to tell you, you're not a person who is part in my life..
But you're a person in a part of my heart..
Would this be a lie to you too..?

With my tears blogging right now and right here..
I just wanted to say i'm sorry..
Please don't forgive me for what i had done..
Hate me for what i had did..

Disappointment

2008-08-28T22:35:00.002+08:00

Thanks, that i heard it with my own ears..

Cos is still never too late..

Till now, i'm still putting some hope in it..
Thinking something that is impossible..
Yes, is really impossible..
Cos when i saw the message, it tell me so..

Today was rather a slack day..
Nothing to do in camp..
In the morning the sky was weeping so badly..
Making my day moody..
Whole day doing nothing, walking round the whole office..
And randomly took out my phone..
Seeing all the message..
I weep like the heavy downpour in the morning..
It just killed everything in me..

The longer i'm holding on to it..
The longer it is telling me that i had not let go..
I know, one day everyone had to leave..
But why do i received those last few message..
It really tear me apart..

I was beaten down once again..
I bring myself up..
Taking the wrong way it lead me to another painful path..
Maybe i'm just trying to have a replacement..

Received your message when i woke up from my nap..
You ask me whether you could stay at my house..
And i knew something was not right..
Seeing you crying so badly it hurts me too..
You told me the whole story of it..
And i just told you things to clam you down..
In the end i tears halfway while talking..
You ask me what happened, i just kept quiet..
You ask me could i hug you to sleep..
I just change the topic..
Why don't you ask one year back..
Seeing you fall asleep then i came to blog..
That's the first time seeing someone cry to sleep..
I don't know, having a weired feeling..
Maybe i had already let go of you long before ba..

If only i could..
But i couldn't..

The fire that doesn't work, could we still call it firework..?

ShaDow's tears..

Why Do I Deserve This..?

2008-08-26T00:06:00.003+08:00

Why must you put your suffering into me too..

What have i really done..

My shattered dreams and broken heart..
Are mending on the shelf..
I saw you holding hands , standing close to someone else..
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone..
I gave my best to you , nothing for me to do..
But have one last cry..
One last cry , before I leave it all behind..
I’ve gotta put you out of my mind this time..
Stop living a lie , I guess I’m down to my last cry ..

The Bomb At My Own Risk..

2008-08-24T18:59:00.007+08:00

It had already exploded..
The action you had,
The words you had said,
It enough to turn me off..

I shall just hold on to it..
Not worth for me to take the risk again..
As everything had already turn me off..

The picture ahead was a great painted one..
But when it get nearer, you could see every inches of the bad marks..

Awaiting for the love to come..
Rather to give and suffer..

..You Duo Shao Ai Ke Yi Chong La..

Had a very long dreams..

Is as sweet as nothing could compare to..
But after every sweet things it would always turn bad..

Into my dream~~~~

While sleeping, my phone rings..
And you're the one who call me..
You was crying so badly that i couldn't hear what you're saying..
I just kept in silence..
Till you stopped crying..
You told me everything, every single things..
My tears drop..
But being stronger, i told you..
"So now you felt every single pain that i had carried with me.."
"Serve you right for that.."
And i hanged up the phone..

And fall back to sleep..
Not long later, someone knock at my door..
When i open it, i saw mary..
She given me a hug, as she knows that i'm really weak in the inside..
She prepared breakfast for me & we ate together..
She told me things that she had never said before, i tears again..
She hug me real tight, i told her how hard i had been for all this while..
She told me, she's not going to let this happened again..
I tear with a smile..
After which gave mary a goodbye hug & i went out..

Went to meet the same old usual people..
Mac, Andy, Baobao, Terence, Weikang & Silver..
Seeing everyone was with their partner..
And they introduce them to me..
I was feeling happy for them..
Baobao came to tell me "no matter what he will still be by my side"..
And everyone told me too..
Whereby i given them my smile again..
We went to have our dinner..
A really great dinner with everyone..
After that we went to club..
Everyone was dancing with their partner happily..
I was at a corner seeing them so happily..
It's makes my day, the greatest day..
And i went back myself as they are going with their partner..

Went to sleep..
Had a great sleep..
When i woke up, i saw a message from nanda..
Asking me out as she's off on the day..
We went for shopping..
And many more..
Seems like what i had promise had been done on that day..
And she leave first, as she got something on..

So i was alone walking around..
Slowly down my steps..
Looking around everything seems so beautiful..

Is getting late, so decided to head home..
Reached home..
The light was still on..
Mary seems to be waiting for me..
When i stepped in..
I got, got a real tight slap from her..
She seems to found out everything..
She chase me out of the house..
And told me "don't even think of coming back"
I tears so badly..

I took out my phone..
And the first message i send to was baobao..
Asking if he could meet me..
And he reply me "he was having a movie with his partner"
The second message was to Mac..
His reply was "he's having dinner with Andy"
And my third message was to nanda..
And that's the first time i didn't recived her reply..

I went to the rooftop..
Having my cig..
Smoking all by myself..
And i send out the last message to you..
Telling you that i didn't mean to say all those thing & i'm sorry for everything that i had never done for you and this will be my last message..
You reply me asking "where am i"
And i told you i was at the rooftop alone..
You ask me for what i'm there for and call me to wait for you..
I waited..
Till the last cig..
And i jumped off the building..

I could feel that you was there holding me so tightly..
And crying so badly..
The last words i could hear from you was..
" why didn't i wait for you"

And i woke up from everything..
That's the longest dreams i ever had..
The sweetest and the most painful dreams, i really ever had..
Feeling abit painful in my heart..

All i could, is just to wait..

ShaDow's DreamS

I Miss You

2008-08-21T04:12:00.000+08:00

At this time, i woke up..
Knowing i was wrong..
I'm sorry..

I miss you..

Into The Path..

2008-08-19T00:01:00.008+08:00

I saw Love again..
Come, let's assume it..

The star was up ahead..
I saw it's meaning on it..
Cos i still believed in it..
It was right in my eyes..

I know, i cant do it..
What goes around, come around..
Making it true, is hard for me..

I think, i knows a little too much..
I just don't have to say it out..
What had been done, we know it too well..

Let me assume..
Let my imaginations run wild..

Let me kill whoever step over the line..
It gonna be a pay back time..
Since i had been taking in alot..
Is time to return double the one that i had received..

Right now, right here..
I'm living again in hate..
I'm not going to suffer once like how i did again..
I'm going to let "it" suffer once like how i did..

We shall suffer together like once i did..
I feel your pain & you will feel the double of my pain..

We shall stab each other in the back together..
Regardless good or bad..
Nothing is in my list

There's a time for "love"
There's a time to "hate"
There's a time to "kill"

And at this FUCKING time shall be my turn to "kill"

There's no time for living in peace..
People are just walking around with a knife to killed..

I'm walking into the path to harm and not kill..
You will suffer like how i did..
The sins to repay and you will get back what you deserve..

God bless us with love..
I shall bless you all for the Fuck i had in me..

Don't have to try me..
Everyone will get what they deserve..
There's time to received and there's time to give..

And finally is my turn to give..
What god couldn't give, i will be the one giving..

People is time to received..
The awaiting arms infront of me are ways too many..

The hate that build me up..
The tears that make me stronger..
The devil that is willing to give now..

Not too little..
or
Not too much..

Just enough for what you had done..

Nothing to be surprise of..
Just be bless when you get back what's belong to you..

The Times To Strike..
ShaDow's Loves

Things happens at the wrong time & wrong place..

2008-08-17T17:49:00.007+08:00

Two things happened at the same time..
How could i manage to..?

Life would be easy if i just let go...

150808 (Friday)

Thought, as always i would thought it will be a good day..

Assume, as always i would assume i would enjoy myself..

Lying, as always i would lie to myself that things won't be like this..

Reality, as always i would never put myself in reality..

Friday was a day that i really slow down myself..
Woke up around 10, sitting down having a cup of coffee..
Having a stick of cig to smoke..
That's my day, after which prepared to go to Maju camp for some talk..
Thought that it would be a long one..
But i left around 2..
Meeting baobao @ 4.30pm..
The rest was late, as always..
Had lunch with Mac, andy & baobao..
Then join the others..
Watched 12 lotus..

Before the show..
My heart already aches..
Seeing the pair walked pass..
That show was meant to watch with you..
And ended up watching with them..

Never did i realize your exist..
Never did i realize you was there..
Thanks people for keeping it from me..

And i broke down when knowing it..
Seeing the pair sitting right infront of me..
I choose to walk to another door..

Should i be happy or should i cry..
It may seems nothing from the outside..
But right inside it really tears..
We went to some lan shop..
Wanted to move my attention to the others..
So we played audition..
My soul was not there really playing..
Is just the shell that you all had seen..

After the games, we went for supper..
And left home..

160808 (Saturday)

Things was the same..
Nothings changes..
Same old people..
Same old places..
Late as always..
Same things happening..

But nothing for all i care..

Cos nothing is on my mind..
Nothing seems important..
Nothing interest me..
Nothing cheer me up..

Things are just happening & happening again..
People don't even bother, why should i then..
If you could do that, why can't i do this then..

Seeing things happened right infront of my eyes..
The thought in me was so unbearable..
Is just like stabbing me once again..

I'm happy to make you all a pair..
Seeing you all together, it makes me happy too..
Whatever i could do to help i would..

Sometime i just felt like an outsider..
But thanks for proving me wrong..
That's what i had never regret in..

Went to maxwell, get our chop..
And there we go "PLAY"..
We drink, we joke, we gossip...

We laugh till like there's no others around..
The most fun part was in the dance floor..
Dance like only we are the only three person there..
We laugh at people, we gossip, we copy like how they dance..

I told you all how happy i was..
After which we went over maxwell..
Had our drink and supper and things..

I was only high after "play" had close..And what the hell..
I was so crazy..
Full of rubbish..
Fooling like a clown..
I told you all once again, i was so happy..
Just enjoying like only we're the people there..

After that we cabbed home..

You all can have all my happiness..
Give me all the suffering you all had..

I just wish to live in my own ShaDow..

I'm sorry that i had lie, i was not that happy ever since things happened..

I'm just the biggest fool that is fooling my own-self..

我一直都在,　你身後等待.
等你有一天回過頭看我.
我的笑送給你希望你快樂,
你的難過都給我,
關於你的一切我都好好收藏著.

I wanted to changed,
But i really can't..

I wanted to conceal myself,
But is really hard..

My tears for you,
I had not regret..

No one knows how hard i'm trying..
Everyone is just assuming..

I say, i would..
But no one believed..

I say i could,
I was lying..

No matter how hard or how much i had put it in..
Is never enough..

I'm just living in a shell that don't belongs to me..
I'm just a Shadow of lights..

When there's light, i will be there..

I couldn't just let things goes like this..
I would rather hold on to the pain..
I don't mind the suffering..
Just that you will be happy..

Hate Me For Who I Am..

2008-08-14T21:40:00.004+08:00

Love Me For What I Am..
I needed the Love..

Hate me for today..
Hate me for tomorrow..
Hate me forever..

&

Hate me for all the things, I didn't do for you..

I always needed the time on my own..

I never tot that i need you when i cry..

Days had passed..
Times had passed too..
The wound in my heart is still hurting badly..
Is time proving anything to me..

It reminds me of all the things again..
I couldn't bear to let go my heart..

Looking out of the window..
Leaving me all by myself..
I don't want to be all by myself again..

I took out my phone and start to call..
I dial the number..
And i hang up the call..
And i fall to the floor..
Tears was about to drop..
I quickly went to the smoking point & start smoking..
To stop my tears..

After which went back to office..
The phone rings..
Omg.. was it you calling..
Stupid me, outsider who don't the number won't be able to call back..
So i didn't answer the call..

Reach home was nap time..
Was thinking, did i make it today..
I din shed a single tears..
And yes i did it..

But, i could feel..
Droplet of water coming down from my eyes now..
I lose to it again..

I have never felt this way before..
Let me go..
Open my heart & tear me down..

I miss you, but you will never know it..

ShaDow lose to it again..

How can it be beatiful without the "u" in it?

2008-08-13T23:51:00.006+08:00

The Truth Is Out..
Jonathan please accept it..

The whole world is lying to me..
So can i say that i had live in reality..?

Din manage to have a good sleep last night..
Although i did enjoy myself alot..
At that time my head hurts alot..
When the time i really fall asleep..
I saw two person walking infront of me..
I can't stop them from walking..

You turn back and smile at me..
The other person looks so familiar..
I think that i had seen him before..
Even had talk to before..

But i just couldn't know who was that..
My feeling, my dreams all are telling me..
My doubt is getting heavier & heavier..
And i know that i'm not assuming anymore..

That was all..
And i actually tears in office again..
Listening to the radio..
While it played the song..
It remind me from the start to the end..

After which i called baobao and chat with him on phone..
I ask baobao to find out for me..
(if u had read tis don ever blame him, is all my intention, i'm sorry)
But i didn't got the answer, who was the one..

I was acting so strong so strong that i tears while smoking..
I have to even bear with it when my officers came back..
Acted like nothing had happened..
How painful was that, no one knows..

After camp, went straight home..
Sitting on the floor with a stick of cig..
I cried very badly..
Very badly that i realise that my eyes didn't even shed a single drop of tears..

Till i know then..
It is my heart crying so bitterly..
The feeling was so bad, so bad that i can cried without tears..
How painful it is to cried without tears does anyone knows..

Went to sleep..
Can't even sleep peacefully...
I saw lots of things going on..
But i just can't recall it..

Till i couldn't take it anymore..
I just want to know who..

I just want to take the last blown..
Let the truth attack me one last time..

And i really fell deeply into it..

With all my blessing from my hearts..

Every night i saw a retardate fool..
Smiling at his phone..
Looking at his phone..
Talking to his phone..
And he tears so badly..
Don't know whats with him..

Goodnight..
ShaDow Faded..
That retardate fool was me..

A moment of Happiness..

2008-08-13T00:32:00.003+08:00

Singapore Flyer..120808

If Only, I Could To Stand Up Again

After so much, so much of suffering..
Tears overflowing..
I had come out of my mind..
Seeing you happy, Seeing you enjoying..
I'm more then contended..
I don't ask for anymore..
You're happy, so will i..
You're enjoying, so will i too..
Some "things" i know..
But i couldn't confirm..
Maybe i'm just assuming..
But when the time really turn truth..
I don't know will i be able to accept..
I don't want to know too much..
If really it did happened..
Just "KILL" me on the spot..

Turning Back, Is Not That Beautiful Anymore..

Turning back, it really hurts alot..
Looking back, it form water in my eyes..
I just can't take that feeling, when it remind me of...

120808

Had fun with nanda & sharon today..
We went a few places..
Like city plaza, bugis and some i not very sure..hurhur..
Had our meal at some hong kong cafe (if i'm not wrong)..
Quite a nice place to eat there..
Food is nice(too bad din take picture for it)

And of cos we took the SINGAPORE FLYER..
Is sounds so outdated..
But i believed some people didn't even take before right..? (so no comments please)

Before that i was abit upset & down..
Seeing things before going out..
And for goodness sick i almost tears in the bus..
Holy shits... ( thanks god i didn't)

But after that going for the Singapore Flyer..
It slowly changes my mood..
Felt excited..(almost like small kids going to jump about)
LOL!!!

Inside the Flyer we took lots of photo..
Some emo shots.. LOL (for goodness sick)
And of cos picture with nanda and sharon too..

At that time how much i wish the Time could stop..
Cos i really forgotten everything in my mind..
30mins is just like 3secs..
Is telling us that no matter what life's still have to go on..
It really lights up my nights..

Thanks nanda & sharon..
Yeah..
So kinky..hurhur..

Somehow i got some feeling..
That words can't say it out..
When you hold my hands..
I felt abit awkward (not sure is this the correct words to use)
But that's the warmth i wanted :D

ShaDow Memoirist...

我已不再是你的谁

2008-08-12T01:18:00.000+08:00

A Brand New..

Once again we sit in silence

After all is said and done
Only emptiness inside us
Baby, look what we’ve become
We can make a million promises
But we still won’t change
It isn’t right to stay together
When you only bring each other PAIN

I don’t wanna cry
Don’t wanna cry
Nothing in the world
Could take us back
To where we used to be
Though I’ve give you my heart and soul
I must find a way of letting go
‘Cause baby, I don’t wanna cry

Too far apart to bridge the distance
But something keeps us hanging on and on
Pretending not to know the difference
Denying what we had is gone
Every moment we’re together
It’s just breaking me down
I know we swore it was forever
But it hurts too much to stay around

All the magic’s gone
There’s just a shadow of a memory
Something just went wrong
We can’t go on make-believing

I had learned..
ShaDow..